areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
no more duck duck goose at the bar
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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