these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
