u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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