I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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