There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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