One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The power of my boobs compel you
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
