I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Randomize
