Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize