You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
