I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My ass is underappreciated
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
