"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
