his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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