my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
