I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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