Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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