it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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