the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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