before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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