I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Be still, my beating vagina.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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