You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
