He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
