I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
