My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
