I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize