Too much gin, very little bucket
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
