Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
