Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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