Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
