3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
