so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
