So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
