My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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