What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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