I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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