please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
