so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
