You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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