He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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