At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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