Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
