I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
