My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
