ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
