i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
