Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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