I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
