You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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