My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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