Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
