I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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