I met the friendliest cop last night
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
