I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
