I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize