Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
